The Frequently Asked Questions to Poppy

1) Poppy Montage, what is your purpose?
Honey, sit back and relax, I’m about to tell you a little story. Momma Montage had a purpose in life… and then he stepped into reality and realized her services were not longer needed. But that was nonsense; someone in this world has GOT to have some sort of problem Poppy can help in! So with much exploration and exploitation, Poppy Montage decided to help the serendipitous. Little did Poppy know he was actually good at giving advices (and lengthy ones at that). Also Poppy Montage LOVES to eat. And there’s no better way to sooth the heart than GOOD food. Good, CHEAP food at that. So included with my advice is a few good places to eat! Oh hell, there’s nothing specific is there about what I can really put into an online webpage, is there? Maybe I’ll add other things such as tips and tricks around the house, how to be manipulative, how to lie to a lover (kidding, of course)

2) Can you really solve my problem?
Hell if I can’t solve my own problems, why not solve others’? Problem solving is something I can do, but not always. I can certainly try to help you come up with a solution. And if no solutions can be found (such as a situation that’s too complicated or I’m suffering from a brain-fart) I will definitely work with you to set some goals which is a stepping stone to problem solving. And if that doesn’t always work I can also make references—and believe me, I have a ton of them!

3) Poppy Montage, is that your real name?
That’s my name, Poppy C.U. Montage. (Call me ‘Poopy” and you die). My parents were hippies. Enough said.

4) What does the “C” and the “U” stand for?
My full name is Poppy California Unfedaro Montage. Why is my name like that? See previous question. You could only imagine how much I hated my parents in grade school when I first had to learn how to write out MY FULL NAME.

5) There are a lot of ambiguities with describing yourself. Would you mind telling your readers why you like to be in the anonymity?
My gender for example you would think is female, but the rest of my other name indicates a masculine form, rendering a conclusion of my gender moot. Now even now from time to time I do put in a title which may give a clue. No, I suppose the best hint I could give you is which gender title form I use more (for example, Momma Montage, Daddy Montage, Lady Poppy, Mr. Poppy, etc).
The reason why I refuse to be more specific about myself is because this site is not about me. We can all agree that America is a very categorical place. America likes to put things in closets and shoe boxes and labels. I fear that people would care about who I am and not what I am all about. This website is for the people… and what I think is great in the city of Los Angeles (and perhaps other places). But I think it’s really obvious.

6) Not even your ethnicity?
Momma Montage doesn’t like to make reference to her mother country for a number of reasons. One of the reasons is that I tend to insult all races equally. And giving out my own ethnic background might weigh me down or hinder my comedic purpose when I insult a particular race… ESPECIALLY when I perpetuate an ethnicity’s stereotype or flat out insult it.
…..But just for kicks and giggles I’ll give you a pretty obvious hint: nursing.

7) Are you single?
Why, are you asking? Because I can be if you want. And if you’re ugly (and by ‘ugly’ that also could mean that you’re hot as hell but an asshole) I’m happily taken. Inquisitive applicants can inquire further by emailing me. But I have to warn you: I’m a handful, a bastard, a bitch, and very hard of hearing. And yes a series of tests will be required. If you’re strong enough to handle me, please I encourage you to be stupid and come forth. Oh and a drug test is also required… question 1: do you have any with you, because I could sure use some right about now. (Note: this statement does not indicate that I am a habitual user.)

8) Do you do any drugs, drink alcohol, or have elicit sex?
Let’s just say I’m old enough to know how things work in life… well for the most part at least. I get high on life, drunk on power, and as for the sex… well let’s just say I’m the modern day Virgin Queen. I do make reference to having an affinity for narcotics and alcohol, but the truth is that I DO HUGS, NOT DRUGS. But mind you, although I’m drug free and open minded, EVERYTHING is open for discussion… but for the most part no.

9) Are you racist?
What a thing to even suggest! I am a firm believer in equality. Hence, I equally discriminate and will joke about all races.

10) What is your religion?
Blasphemous. Naturally.

11) What is your sexual orientation?
I like to do it standing up and on my back… sometimes on in a specific order. Oh that’s right, I just claimed myself the Virgin Queen, didn’t I? Well Let’s just say that’s how I would picture myself sexually oriented when I would have sex.

12) What sort of questions do you like to answer?
I tend to answer all questions pertaining to the daily lives. I mean I can try to answer academic questions, but then I would have Google for that. But hey I don’t mind learning something new each day (but learning two things… now THERE’s my challenge!) What I’m here for is try to offer advice to others. Now I know I haven’t been in the same situation with my writers, but I have been known for my sympathetic and empathetic nature. So I challenge you to challenge me, bitches!

13) If someone were to eat you, what would you taste like?
Like human flesh I hope. I mean that would be nice if I taste sweet like cheesecake or sugar—both of which I consume by the tub—but oh baby, I really hope I do taste like human flesh and half as addicting as I look!

14) Do you ever get political?
Darlin, if you could have seen me in the 2004 elections! I would have started hell among voters! In fact I not only participate the election process by following up on all candidates, reading up on the laws, but also volunteer during the election day! But if you darlings want to specifically ask me what my political affiliation is (although I do think it’s somewhat evident by now) I’m gonna have to plead the 5th amendment! Not because I’m secretive (no, I’m actually a chatterbox) but because I believe the only thing you should know is that I’m quite passionate about are four things: the environment, voting, good food, and you, baby!

15) What are your views on the disabled?
I love them. That is unless of course I caused them to be disabled (sorry, Chuck and Mary).

16) Is America ready for a black president? What about a female president?
Oh here’s one of those political questions again! You silly goose.

17) What are your inspirations?
My inspirations comes from many aspects in my life: my family, friends, strangers, lessons from mother nature. Now sweetie, being rich in this resource does not make me excellent in giving advice, it just means that I can make the RIGHT decision for you. I’m kidding. What I meant to say is that it does it doesn’t make me excellent in giving advice, but more rather it allowed me to be exposed to many of life’s problems. This exposure will certainly aid me in helping you find a solution (or at least set a goal) to your problem

18) How do you define happiness?
After a day of many accomplishments I get to slip into a huge bubble bath, eat strawberries, drink a glass of Zinfandel, and watch an independent film. Complete happiness is to know that I have not changed the world, but made a dent.

19) What are you afraid of?
I am afraid of so many things that I think I am the reason why my therapist has a house in Beverly Hills and a condo in Florida. I have faced many of my fears and I have to say that it feels pretty great. However I do have a habit of acquiring another fear once I conquer another one. It’s all part of my addicting history I suppose.

20) Do you have any living heroes?
Teachers, nurses, mothers are my heroes. It’s a very thankless job and I don’t think that we’re not giving them enough credit. (I also think their lack of funding is the reason why many of our institutions are going to hell… oh my, there I go being political again….)

21) What is a characteristic that you hate in others?
Selfishness and the lack of consideration for others is what I abhor the most. And the sad thing is that neither Karma nor any form of intervention can touch them.

22) Is there a characteristic in others that makes you sad?
When people take kindness as a green light for stepping all over them. And people wonder why chivalry is dead or how people become so reluctant into giving and receiving kindness.

23) Is there something about you that you hate?
That I have a tendency to learn the hard way. That and my disgusting habit of overusing commas.

24) What do you hope to get out of your intimate relationships?
I hope to teach my lovers how to live, patience, and how to laugh at the hardships (probably because I’m so difficult that they’ll have to learn patience and go so crazy that they’ll just laugh hysterically).

25) What do you hope to get out of others’ relationships?
I hope a happy ending (which in this day in age only lasts about a few months). I do wish to learn from them so that way I could impart some sort of wisdom (or at least warning) to the next couple who decides to seek my crazy.

26) Do you want to live anywhere outside of Los Angeles?
God no. I used to want to get out of Los Angeles, but I discovered that it has touched a deeper part of my heart.

27) Even when you retire?
Honey, I was just told I was going to die an early death. It’s lovely that I’m even asked about my retirement plans. But I’d like to pass the age of 40 first then we’ll talk.

28) If you believe in reincarnation, what would you to be reincarnated into when you die?
You’re going to think I was going to say a Poppy huh? I think I want to end up as clingy gay man with high metabolism, no eating disorders, and that’s hard working, patient, and articulate. Being handsome is a plus, but then I know by then that my head would just explode.

29) What is your greatest achievement thus far?
Staying alive day to day. It’s not that my expectations of life is low, but with the rather deadly activities I do on a daily basis, living is kind of a priority.

30) Which do you prefer: a life of accomplishment or a life of fun?
Two ways: you can have fun after accomplishing something and you can have fun while attempting to accomplish things. That is how I do things.

31) Have you ever told a lie?
I have; it was also under oath. Am I proud of it? No. I really try not to tell a lie. I just keep my mouth shut. I guess the only time I do lie is when I engage in social warfare… then there aren’t any rules to what I do or say!

32) Do you have a motto/mantra?
A few actually:
“Live as if there is everything to learn about living.” (I can give up if it’s too hard, right?)
“Nothing is ever difficult, only the need for time and tolerance.” (something of which I REALLY should work on)
“Hug someone as if you will see them for the last time.” (despite my fear of cooties)

33) How do you want to die?
In my sleep hopefully. But I’m predicted to die in a horrible tragic death… like having a heart attack while I’m in the toilet or being shot by a firing squad. Now I know no place in this government (except Utah) still uses the firing squad method, but I would still like to maintain caution (like avoid Utah).

34) What is your most treasured possession?
My written journals, vague, but they keep my wounds fresh, my memory well jogged… and in the case of my tragic memories I guess I also like my memories to be traumatized as well. Hahaha.
My red tyrannosaurus rex dinosaur names Rover. He’s always been there for me since the first grade. I don’t care who I’m gonna end up with, but Rover will always be there!

35) Is there anything you want to change about yourself?
It’s the experience that counts. There is nothing in the past that I would or can change, otherwise time would be greatly altered and I wouldn’t be answering these FAQs now would I?

36) How are you right this moment?
I’m fine and alive, thank you very much. How are you?